Off the Wall at UMD

Justin Delano Lightning Cousson

President/Ringleader: Spring 2008-Spring 2010. Creative Consultant - Spring 2011.

Essential Statistics:

Birthday: May 25, 1988 (Various sources indicate his birthdate as May 19th, 1989, April 23rd, 1987, and October 26th, 1901. His actual birthdate is unknown as common folklore suggest that his birth certificate was stolen by a rogue pelican).

Hometown: Lanham, Md.

Height: 5′10.” Also disputed, as Cousson has been known to add inches to his height with each renewal of his driver’s license.

Wingspan: 70 inches.

ERA: 2.97

Shoes: Asics Onitsuka Tigers

Col. Justin Lightning Cousson, II (born Lew Alcindor on March 14, 1928) is likely on his yacht, eating sherbet and changing his clothes.

Stand-up comedian, part-time bassist, first-rate haberdasher and a cartoonist of indeterminable ethnicity and questionable ambition, Cousson founded Off the Wall, UMD’s stand-up comedy group in Spring 2008.

He has appeared at Magooby’s Joke House and the Baltimore Comedy Factory in Baltimore, as well as New York’s Gotham, EastVille and Comedy Corner Clubs, and was featured at 2009’s Bentzen Ball Comedy Festival.

His favorite word is “follies.”

He’s not a party person. But he hangs out and does lunch.

He drives a beige 1997 Toyota Corolla that never gets pulled over on account of being a beige 1997 Toyota Corolla.

He is currently based in Los Angeles, where he performed at the famous Comedy Store and recently worked for Current TV’s Infomania. He collects dust and black-and-white B-movie and is really not good at holding babies.

Just a heads-up.

Influences

Michael Louis “Apple” Applebaum

Featured Performer: Spring 2008-Spring 2010; Vice President: Spring 2009-Spring 2010.

Essential Statistics:

Birthday: April 5, 1987

Hometown: Bmore

Political Views: Crazy Libertarian

Religious Views: Crazier Atheist

Defining Characteristic: Craziest when armed with a slinky.

I woke up about a year ago with a vague recollection of myself. No fucking clue. I’ve modeled my life off of the influences of my heroes: Captain America, Jesse Jane, and Penn Jillette. I plan on running away and buying an island in a couple of years once I figure out how to harness that damn wind energy thing.

I hope to one day come across that therapist again, I’m totally gonna rip off her left armpit. I’m rambling. I find that wearing hats has done tremendous things for my emotional development. I’ve started reading Moby Dick, I’ll finish it in about a year if I don’t get sidetracked by losing money in poker. It’s a great hobby. I’m supporting myself on it. I get my food at Costco because it’s cheaper even though that place is a nightmare where I think it’s illegal to speak English.

Influences

• Lenny Bruce
• Ricky Gervais
• Richard Pryor
• George Carlin
• Bill Hicks

Frequently Used Phrases

“I swear I’m not following you.”

Atif Myers

Featured Performer: Spring 2008 - Fall 2009, Vice President: Spring 2008-Fall 2009.

Charles Lewis “Charlie” Meyrick

Featured Performer: Fall 2008/Spring 2009

Essential Statistics:

Birthday: 05/13/1988

Hometown: East Farleigh, England.

Favourite Cocktail: Cosmopolitan.

Special Powers: Being able to turn into a plate of expensive cheeses.

Mission: To destroy the humans and return to the Crab-Nebula OR save the humans, destroy the Crab-Nebula.

How I Would Retreat From Iraq: Leave a note, a bottle of wine our best wishes and then ban anyone from ever mentioning it again.

Likes: Comedy, Illustrating, Writing.

Dislikes: Hipsters, The Notebook, Bright Eyes, Stupidity, Elitism, Pretentious Bastards, English Literature.

And Now For Something You Didn’t Know:

Off the Wall’s Token Foreigner, an undeniable dynamo and an alleged man-about-town, Charles Lewis ‘Danger’ Meyrick hails from East Farleigh, England. He likes to swear loudly so that people can tell where he is from. He is not from Australia, New Zealand or South Africa.

Charlie is everything a British stereotype should be, he drinks loads of tea, swears his tits off on a regular basis, spells things right, loves football (soccer to you) and uses a measuring and weighing system that works perfectly thank you very much. He spends much of his time being a social-cockroach, only venturing out of his room if it is really, entirely necessary e.g. most of the room is on fire. It will be a cold day in hell before Charlie refers to anyone as “dude”.

One thing Charlie refuses to tolerate is any level of drama from a woman. He will tolerate high levels of nakedness from them and possibly will let them make him a sandwich if he is feeling generous. Given a choice of one or the other he would probably take the sandwich.

Charlie’s ambition in life is to become horribly famous. He won’t commit suicide until he achieves something worthwhile. He thinks he is destined for great things but probably isn’t. He tries to give off the impression of being cynical and bitter but no one ever seems very convinced by it.

Influences

• Peep Show.
• The Simpsons.
• Monty Python.
• The Mighty Boosh.
• Garth Marenghi’s Dark Place.
• Spaced.
• Woody Allen.
• Bill Bailey.
• Eddie Izzard.
• Charlie Brooker.

Frequently Used Phrases

“Bloody Hell!!”

“Mother-bitch!!”

“Eeeasy Chewy”

“Calm down baby-bel”

Brittany Borghi

Featured Performer: Spring 2008 -Spring 2009